Yesterday. Rain, grey skies, and a phone call. They hired the "lesser" candidate. We've been here many times before.
I read through all my other related posts this morning to find out if these seven lean years have seen any spiritual growth. A glimmer of hope--yes!
No longer am I demanding a job in Dave's field.
In fact, I'm leaning toward "paying work would be nice." And it is nice. Thank God for a man with skills.
But my heart is conjoined to Dave's and I know he likes to tinker with chemicals the way I like to tinker with words. I want him to be fulfilled.
And yes, I want other things as well. Good, right, and important things. The absence of which has created a seeming permanent ache in this mother's heart.
So I cried because it all hurts. It hurts to see Dave rejected on the grounds of being too male, too white, too old, too educated, too inexperienced or too "unmatched for the position." Those are the reasons for my tears these days.
I'm glad for journaling (and blogging) because I see that now it's just plain old pain. There is no bitterness, no anger, no fist in the air. Gone are the "why's" and "how longs;" I am as certain as one can be that God knows exactly what He's doing--even that one day we and everyone looking on will shout a resounding, "See?"
Yet the tears flow with each disappointment. As I was awash yesterday, this came to mind when I finally got quiet enough to listen:
Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father Who is in Heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! (Mt. 7:9-11)
The problem (and the reason for my "pain") is that most of us forget who our Father is. We forget that He is only good, his heart and his character are good. His plans and desires for us are better than the best-laid plans and desires we have for each of our children.
We live as though we have been handed a stone.
Debt, discrimination, injustice, poverty... it's all a part of this fallen, sin-filled world. God holds me in the midst, and if I but take the time to open the scriptures and trace His face with my finger tips so that I won't forget what He looks like...
I can rest assured that one day He is going to make all things new, and right (Rev. 21:5). Our best occupation is in setting this straight for others while we ourselves are in the waiting.