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Monday, December 27, 2010

If I Lost My Baby....



There are certain thoughts that go through your mind in an ER examining room with your daughter. As I tied Anna into her hospital gown today, tenderly lifting her long, chestnut-colored hair off her back, the inevitable question arose without warning:


Could I go on living without her? This gentle-spirited girl known for her constant smile and graceful composure in the most chaotic circumstances? This beautiful child who broke open my womb fourteen years ago in this very place, who has brought me immeasurable joy ever since?

I have always felt that losing a child must be one of the  most painful (if not the most painful) of human experiences. But I have yet to lose a close loved one. Suddenly, the day after Christmas, my precious firstborn is suffering vision loss, a tear-inducing headache, and extreme fatigue--symptoms unnerving to this mother who's typically nonchalant when it comes to illness.

Of course I prayed for healing, as I am a believer in miracles. But deep down, the what-if's continued as I awaited the results of blood work and a CT scan, followed again by that question I'd never faced until this day:

How would I go through life if God chose to take my baby?

In the horrid split-second darkness of that contemplation, a speck of hope--a solitary consolation suddenly flickered. Six words sprang up into my spirit, bringing me the assurance that I could indeed make it to the end of my life--even triumphantly--without my precious Anna Grace:

I will be with her again.

Make that seven words:

...forever.

All test results came back normal. The doctor's instructions were to "wait and see." I expect that soon enough Anna will be plowing through our fresh, thick blanket of snow on her snowboard, then bursting through the front door for some hot chocolate, her cheeks beaming rosier red than usual.

For the time being, I am drawn to a passage I've read many times before, and now it takes on new meaning:

"If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable." I Corinthians 15:19

2 comments:

Jackie said...

I know what I would feel if I lost my baby - for I have felt it first hand. I lost my twin boys when they were in their 20s - Terry when he was 24 and Ronnie when he was 28. The answer came to me from Ronnie - As he prayed for healing the Lord gave him a word.
Psalm 17:15
"But as for me, I shall behold thy face in righteousness;I shall be satisfied when I awake with thy likeness."

I too will be satisfied when I awake beholding the Lord along with Ronnie and Terry.

Jackie

Faith said...

Thanks for that, Jackie. Like Paul told the Thessalonians, (4:13), we grieve differently from those who have no such hope. The eternal "family reunion" will be worth it all!