On Bladder Health and Unsolicited Advice

The other day I looked at a woman and thought, If she could listen to what I have to say, she’d be better off. If the opportunity availed itself, she’d hear in my instructive words that I just want her to be happy. My wisdom would change her life overnight. (I see you rolling your eyes. Don't tell me you never have those thoughts, unless you're the Sleeping Beauty.)

Lean in and Listen: A Tribute to Aunt Joy

On July 12, 2011, my mother called with tragic news: my dad’s younger sister, Joy, passed away suddenly and unexpectedly on a flight to the Philippines, the beloved other homeland where orphans awaited her happy return. For days, a single thought went through my mind like a shockwave: Anyone but Aunt Joy. In the online obituary I wrote: “Never was there anyone more Christlike in character, in conduct, and in spirit.” All who knew her would agree.

The Church is Full of Hypocrites (Part 2)--Drinkin', Cussin' and Detrimental Fussin'

I imagine there may have been two types of reactions to my last post: resounding “Amens,” or the conclusion that I am a self-righteous, religious prude after all.

Truth be told, I am not as hung up on things like cussin’ and drinkin’ as when I see professing Christians (especially if they are in the ministry) flaunt those things, perhaps carelessly,  in the public arena (cyber and otherwise). For the sake of love, I’d rather err on the side of caution than risk offending someone in that way.

"The Church is Full of Hypocrites"

Recently a friend who had just been introduced to a fellow Christian at a church service said this to me: "I worked with her for years and never knew she was a Christian. She’s the biggest gossip I’ve ever seen.”

Ouch.

Encounter with a Faith Healer

There I was, sitting in the front row of a healing service, helpless against a Charismatic minister's attempt to heal my friend. I'd run into Valerie Shedden just a half-hour earlier in the ladies' room. As she gripped her walker and inched through the door I held open for her, I thought of my grandmother after she broke her hip. It was strange to see a young mom moving at the same pace, wincing in pain. Having Multiple Sclerosis was no way to raise a child.

The Day the Lord Returned and Left My Brother Behind

It's April Fool's Day!

What is the best prank you ever played on anyone, or had someone play on you?

For me, it was undoubtedly that September morning in 1988, the day that Edgar C. Whisenant predicted would be the Second Coming of Christ (88 Reasons Why the Rapture is in 1988). Perhaps you remember the whirlwind of controversy his book stirred up. People everywhere were either laughing their heads off at the misguided minister, or preparing their hearts for the Rapture.

My dad was preparing the practical joke of a lifetime. 

The Great Egg Balancing Hoax

Perhaps you’ve done it—balanced an egg on its wide end sometime during the vernal or autumnal equinox. A friend of mine introduced this phenomenon to me recently, explaining that on these two days of the year, the sun and the earth’s gravitational pulls are balanced enough to keep Humpty Dumpty from wobbling.

Why I Don't Listen to Worship Music or Read Spiritual Books

I’m about to admit something publicly for the first time. I figured I’d have to sooner or later. One can’t be heavily involved in the Church and keep this a secret for too long:

My Radio Interview on Unemployment (And Suicidal House Plants)

You know you're a Facebook addict when you dream up a status in your sleep. Here's what my slumbering fingers typed last night:

I've finally figured it out: my house plants are dying of suicide.

Raise Your Boo-tay

The other day I was met with disappointment that weighed my spirits, literally, to the ground. After about twenty-four hours of moping around the house, mourning the loss of a certain hope, I fell to my knees on this spot--the wicker chair cushion I store indoors during winter months. It hides in my living room behind a love seat, under my special Peruvian wool throw:

Why Some Men Don't Get Enough Golf

Years ago my husband asked someone if he and his wife were going to have any more kids. "You have to play golf to have kids," the man muttered.

Now this made me sad, because I'm a firm believer that married couples should be playing golf. I had to wonder why the man wasn't getting any golf. Perhaps the scenario I've observed in so many homes repeated itself in his house as well:

If You Give a Mouse a Facebook Account

(If you are not a parent or elementary school teacher who has read the book, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, you may not get this. You may not get it anyway. I'm okay with that.)

If you give a mouse a Facebook account, she will want to post a status.

Help Me Identify My Love Language

If you are not familiar with Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages  (how we best express and receive love),  here is a list of them, with my comments after each.

I was wondering, can you help me figure out which one of the five is my love language?

Just Do It

My dad has been involved in prison ministry for over twenty years. He has a rapport with the  inmates that keep them coming to his class day after day. What’s not to love about a sixty-eight-year-old Bible teacher who walks up to the podium with his jeans purposely pulled down to expose boxers, evoking laughter from all his adoring “homeboys?” Dad is so well respected in the Florida prison system, he was offered a position as County Chaplain. He turned it down for fear of losing personal contact with the inmates in exchange for hours of deskwork and red tape. He is a four-time recipient of the "volunteer of the year” award.

I once asked him, “How did you know it was God’s will for you to go into prison ministry? Did you have a sign? A ‘word’ from God?”

Dad's answer made a lasting impression on me, and has affected the way I understand spiritual guidance.

Ruthie's Christmas Shoes

If you read the recent Ithaca post, you may remember the skirt I mentioned buying for Ruthie. I was tickled with this purchase, as Ruthie has been wearing nothing but jeans everywhere she goes, including to church. I have nothing against wearing jeans to church, but I am adamantly against my baby girl growing up too fast and no longer letting me doll her up in frills and bows. So I found this skirt at Trader K's in Ithaca and hoped against hope that it would find favor with my teenage wanna-be.

If I Lost My Baby....

There are certain thoughts that go through your mind in an ER examining room with your daughter. As I tied Anna into her hospital gown today, tenderly lifting her long, chestnut-colored hair off her back, the inevitable question arose without warning:

The Beautiful (Barred) Bridges of Ithaca

Today Dave and I drove to one of my favorite places on earth—the “gorges” Ithaca, NY. The day was one fantastic collage of indulgences...

Have Yourself a Slacker Little Christmas

I relax here beside my old synthetic scotch pine and realize that Christmas is one week away. There are seven days left to do all the things they say one has to do this time of year. And yet…

No presents have been wrapped.

A Test for Heavenly Correctness

Christian, pretend you are a non-believer, working as a retail clerk. You say to a customer, “Happy Holidays.” 

Which of the following responses from the Christian customer would most likely make you want to become a Christian?

The Hole in Adam's Donut

When my kids were little they used to watch videos of Rob Evans “The Donut Man” singing “Life without Jesus is like a donut, ‘cause there’s a hole in the middle of your heart.”  You may have heard or perhaps even recited the God-shaped-hole cliché: In every human heart there is a God-shaped hole…

It’s true.  That “something missing” is a friendship with our Creator.

But Frank Ferrari, who spoke at Ephrata Community Church last Sunday, had further insight into the fact that we are created for relationship. Consider pre-fallen Adam. He enjoyed a level of intimacy with God that we can only dream of—completely transparent, guiltless, fearless, open and audible communication, twenty-four hours a day.

There was no hole in Adam’s donut.

Church Mutt

I once heard the darling Margaret Feinberg refer to herself as a “church mutt.” I can relate. My parents gave me a full range of church experience—dragging me off to “revival” meetings where I grew up in the south, and to conferences and vacation Bible schools  everywhere and any time the doors were open. As a result, I feel at home with any Bible-believing group of people. I am not denominationally pedigreed.

I am a church mutt.

Hello Halloween (Part Two)

Thanks for showing up at my door for another Halloween post.  You’ll have to decide, by the end, whether this was a trick or a treat.

My Almost New Gay Friend

This morning I attended a Music and Arts Festival. Over Mexican food, I struck up a conversation with a red-headed drummer. We were having fun getting to know each other until the conversation turned to this:

(him) “So can I ask your advice on how to ask that guy out over there?”

(me) “That guy? You’re gay?”

Philly Mudslide Part Two

Today marks one week past the deadline for when they were supposed to contact Dave about a job offer. They haven't as much as emailed, or responded to his follow-up voice mail. Nor did they ever offer mileage reimbursement for the four-hour drive to the interview. Dave has decided he'd rather not work for a company with that kind of unprofessionalism. So we're back to square one and okay with it.

Meanwhile, I've added another lesson (hopefully) learned to this trial:

The Mudslide that Swallowed Philadelphia

Dave had a job interview Tuesday in which they pretty much told him they’d call by the end of the week with an offer.

But yesterday (Friday) dragged by, hour by snail-paced hour without a phone call (I’m sure the acid in my stomach increased by the fluid ounce with each passing minute once the afternoon hit.). Based on the way they talked at the interview, we figure that either a mud hole suddenly opened up and swallowed Philadelphia, or Bill Gates put in for the job right after Dave, agreeing to do it for free.

"I Belong to the Christian Faith" and Other Stupid Books

A book title in the children's section of the public library caught my attention today: I Belong to the Christian Faith (PowerKids Press, 2010). I decided to check it out and see whether the author of this secular book actually understands the Christian faith.

Jesus, the Smelly Room, and Why I am a PIG

Picture this. You’re driving through town on a Sunday morning and the marquee outside a church reads, One Time Guest Appearance Today—Jesus Christ.  Overcome with curiosity, you go in. If He is really here, you expect to see Him in the pulpit. Even the most egocentric pastor would defer to a visiting preacher of this caliber. But Jesus isn’t there. You look around. Perhaps He’s in the audience, content to  enjoy others’ gifts and talents. But there’s no Jesus in the pews.

Church Mystery Shopper (Read this if you are a pastor or church member)

I am on an extended stay out of town and so I got to be a church visitor this morning. I chose my place of worship based on the church's website (Take note, pastors. This is how people choose a place to visit in the 21st century. Your church website will be one's first impression.). It had a clean, professional appearance, and I figured their style is probably as up-to-date as their calendar of events. Another selling point for me was that they offered a coffee-and-donuts hour prior to service (because face it, people need to talk, and food has facilitated talking since the beginning of time). I put on my jeans and drove in a torrential rain to a place in the country that looked like Cracker Barrel. It was a flat-roofed warehouse with cafe tables set up outside that I imagined were used in good weather. I've been alone for almost three days, so I was looking forward to conversation like it was a plate of Homemade Chicken n' Dumplins waiting in there for me.

What I found were four school-age boys sitting against the wall in the only chairs available while their parents rushed around making preparations for the service. The coffee lady welcomed me with a "free-for-visitors" coffee and donuts commercial and walked away. I helped myself and soon realized that I had hydroplaned across flooded intersections to stand in the middle of a room caffeinating myself alone. When one of the boys got up I took a chair and read through my bulletin. The word "community" was scattered all over it, like little C-shaped grubs curled up to die. By the fiftieth checking of my watch the saints came marching in, about ten minutes until starting time.

The doors to the sanctuary opened and I took a seat in the middle, in front of some ladies that looked promisingly conversant. No one greeted me. For a moment I wanted to leave and drive back into town to the church with a steeple, vespers and senior citizens. But then I looked across the aisle and saw a young woman sitting alone--the only one in her row. Her hands were folded on her lap and she looked down. I had a horrifying thought: What if she's a visitor too? I walked across the room faster than Bill Hybels and introduced myself. "Mary" was a sweet, shy twenty-something girl with a welcoming smile revealing teeth that hung like yellow stalactites. She'd been a regular there since the church's beginning.

Announcements dragged on for twenty minutes (Apparently the congregation is illiterate and needs someone to read their bulletins to them).  When the people were told to "greet one another in that wonderful love of Jesus" I rushed to the ladies' room to pee out my Dunkin' Donuts and make it back to my seat in time to be welcomed by someone. I didn't miss anything.

The music was fresh and invigorating--an acoustic guitar and bongo drums backdropped by the rain falling outside the open windows. The preaching was even better--perhaps the best I'd heard in years. Conviction was so heavy I felt like crawling down the aisle and laying myself at the altar. Take James McDonald with a sweet dash of Billy Graham and turn him loose in a 40 x 80 warehouse and that's what you've got.

This place should have been bursting at the seams. Instead it had grown to a whopping sixty people in fifteen years, trying to be seeker-friendly while forgetting how to be people-friendly.

After the service, a middle-aged couple asked my name and where I was from. They were sincerely interested in getting to know me. Thank God they showed up. Otherwise, the overall feel of the place was that no one really cared about visitors beyond the obligatory, "Hi, how are you?" For all they knew, I could have been on the brink of suicide. I hate to admit it, but if I had been a non-believer visiting there this morning, I may not have walked into another church for a long time, if ever.  

Pastors, laymen--this is a wake-up call.

(Note: If you are not a believer and are thinking, "I knew it. They are no different than anyone else"--well, you'd be right. Romans 3:10 says "There is none righteous, no not one." Jesus said that a physician comes for the sick, not the healthy. The church is made of sick people in recovery; we are in the process of recovering from the fall to become the original loving selves we were meant to be (i.e., Jesus-like). Some are further along on the journey than others.)

Do Monks Bite?

My girls and I have taken up letterboxing. I recommend this as a great way to spend time with your kids while getting exercise, getting artsy, and getting fresh air outdoors. Our most recent hunt led us up a country road to a monastery, where we sampled a little taste of Catholicism. The conversations went something like this (more or less):

"Isn't this a beautiful place, girls? Maybe we'll see some monks."

"What are monks? Do they bite?"

"I don't think so."

"Wow! Crypts are awesome. Can we light a candle?"

"Not for $2.25. Remember, be reverent and respectful. Tiptoe. Whisper. Don't touch anything. Try not to breathe."

"What is that lady doing?"

"She has come here to pray."

"Why did she have to come here to pray?"

"She feels close to God here. It's a quiet place away from distractions. The Bible says a lot about getting away to a quiet place."

"But is she really closer to God here?"

"No. God is wherever we are. He has made His sanctuary inside us."

"Is that like sanitary?"

"Uh...."

"I can't believe she came all this way just to pray."

"Remember, be respectful. Catholics are wonderful people."

"Are they Christians?"

"Some are. Just like some Protestants are Christians. Some really know and love Jesus."

"Oh. What's that bowl of water for?"

"That's holy water. You dip your hands in it when you come in. It makes you clean."

"Can I try it?"

"No! It harbors bacteria."

"But I thought it makes you clean."

"Never mind."

"Why do they always have Jesus on the cross?"

"To remember his death, which is very important. But I'm glad He's no longer there, aren't you?"

"Yeah. Is that a monk?

"That would be a monk."

"Do monks ever go shopping?"

"Not for video games. Just for food and toilet paper, I think."

"Why do they live here?"

"They have devoted their life to serving God."

"I want to demote my life to serving God."

"DeVOTE."

"I want to serve God."

"Me too. But we choose to serve God in the worldly places, where the people are. Our love for God is shown in the way we treat bossy bosses, and mean teachers, and bratty sisters, and moody moms, and slobbish  kids who leave their clothes on the floor..."

"Hey!"

"... and telemarketers, and slow waiters, and tailgaters, and grouchy old  men...."

"Monks are lucky."

"They never marry and have kids."

"Never mind. But I still like monks."

"Me too."

"Who is that old man?"

"They call him 'Father' so-and-so. I think he's the priest, kind of like the dad to all these monks, which are called 'brothers'."

"Do we have a priest?"

"Yes."

"Pastor John?"

"No. Our priest is Jesus. But He is our brother too."

"Cool. Our priest is our brother. And God is our Father?"

"You got it, girl."

My Last Build-a-Bear

Do you see what is wrong with this bear? If you do, chances are you like to sew. You may also like to quilt, can, freeze, knit, bake and raise goats. You probably enjoy reading directions.

I am personally afraid of my sewing machine, but when Ruthie asked me to help her with the Build-a-Bear kit she got for her birthday, I thought, How hard can it be? The box says, "Age 6+." I tossed aside the directions and showed her how to stitch around the thing. Like me, Ruthie is easily  bored, so I ended up finishing the project. I realized there was a problem when I started to stuff the last arm. I retrieved the directions and found that bear bottoms are better places for "whip stitches" than bear arms.

When I held Ruin-a-Bear up and examined her clubbed arm, I felt depressed and slightly mad at my friends who sew beautiful PJ's for their kids at Christmastime and put away peaches. I wanted to throw the bear against a wall and run away to an eternal library. Thankfully, when Ruthie saw her finished project, she grabbed it, hugged it, and said, "I'm going to sleep with her every night!" (Phew!)

I'm OK with not being good at everything I put my hand to. I know what I am good at. It's not sewing. I won't be opening a seamstress shop any time soon.

Do you ever come across people trying to do something they weren't meant to do? Anyone can  learn a new trick, but may not be a "natural" at it. It's a beautiful thing to stay happily on the path you landed on naturally (i.e., were gifted by God to do).

I can learn to sew, and perhaps should, for the sake of my four daughters. OK, that's it. I'm going to start. Tomorrow.

What comes naturally for you?